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The faux-profound (and profoundly stupid) Twitter bio is quickly becoming the art form for our age. 

The faux-profound (and profoundly stupid) Twitter bio is quickly becoming the art form for our age.

Twitter comedian Rob Delaney memorably skewered the popular one-word-sentences approach with the subtitle for his book, “Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage,” but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are about as many insanely incoherent introductory statements online as there are social media users, so how can one both fit the mold and stand out?

Simple: Just refresh What the Fuck Is My Twitter Bio.

WTFIMTB, brainchild of Digiday’s Jack Marshall, Saya Weissman, and Brian Braiker, is a tool that takes all the guesswork out of establishing your Twitter brand, whether you’re going for “douchey,” “bad with punctuation,” or “religious extremist.” No matter what, the result will be a caps-lock nightmare peppered with cheap buzzwords—the verisimilitude is uncanny.

“Here’s your fucking bio, genius,” the site informs you once it has worked its mysterious magic. Fair warning: You’re going to hate the word “svengali” more than you already do. A sampling:

BESPOKE COMMUNITY CZAR, PINTEREST MAKER, PROGRAMMING LIVEWIRE. UR WORST NIGHTEMEAR.

MEME WHISPERER, CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS VIRTUOSO, CONTENT EXECUTIVE. AND HE SAID. 'YOUR FAITH HAS MADE YOU WELL; GO IN PEACE.' - LUKE 8:48. 

DIGITAL RETAIL DESIGN DIVA , NATIVE ADVERTISING DENIZEN, MARKETING SHERPA. BEST. DATE. EVER. .

GIF ROCKSTAR, FACEBOOK SVENGALI, UI CONSIGLIERE. LOVING HUSBAND.

PR REBEL, WEB 4.0 CLAIRVOYANT, IMMERSION WONK. FREEGAN.

Really, what Twitter bios seem to come down to is the question of which aggrandizing nouns you want to combine with the aspects of digital media you pretend to be an expert on. I think “maven” and “network transparency” ought to pair well. Then just add something vaguely braggy about your personal life and principles, like “yoga addict.” Voilà! You’re ready to conquer the Twitterverse. We’ll cover profile photos later—a washed-out Instagram selfie is fine for now.

Photo by zamburak/Flickr  

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