Hey, ladies! Have you been feeling not as snug down there as your man would like you to be? Does he think having sex with you is like throwing a twig into the Grand Canyon, or a hot dog down a hallway, or whatever your metaphor of choice is for denigrating women and their sexual pleasure?
If the answer is yes, just purchase this 18 Again Vaginal Shrink cream on Amazon!
That’s right: Little Genie, the company behind such high-end products as “Sweeten’d Blow Oral Pleasure Gel” and “Pin the Hose on the Fireman Party Game” have raised the bar for exploiting female sexual insecurity with 18 Again (no relation to the George Burns/Charlie Schlatter body-swap comedy), a cream that claims it’ll help you achieve that “perfect fit” for your lover.
“Recapture your vagina's youth,” the product description on Amazon reads. “18 Again vaginal tightening cream will make you feel younger and sexier while also increasing pleasure for both you and your lover.”
Of course, short of regularly doing Kegels or jumping crotch-first into the Fountain of Youth, there’s no tried-and-true, non-surgical way to make your vagina feel “tighter” for your partner, who is probably so happy to be granted access to your vagina that he/she would never dream of complaining it wasn’t “tight” enough to begin with. There are also a slew of vaginal rejuvenation creams and gels on the market, few of which have proven to be anything more than a waste of money.
But these Amazon shoppers apparently didn’t know this, and they’re apparently pretty disappointed with Little Genie for failing to deliver on its promises:
Not everyone is unhappy with 18 Again, though:
Hear that, girls? Buy a tube of this cream and your vagina will be so tight that sexual intercourse will never not be painful again. And ultimately, when it comes right down to it, isn't that the goal we're all working towards? Remember Renata's name, ladies. She's the only one of us who's truly living the dream.
H/T Refinery29 | Illustration by Jason Reed