If you were on the Internet this past week, you’re probably aware of the Panama Papers, a several-terabyte leak of all sorts of highly sensitive information indicting everyone from Lionel Messi to Vladimir Putin. It’s an uncensored look into how the rich and powerful shuffle around their money without the meddling of policy or morality, and absolutely stands as a landmark moment in data journalism.
An elite team of investigative journalists sifted through the Panama Papers over the course of last year, and while hardcore financial reporting isn’t necessarily our thing, we still have some exclusives from the massive leak that we’d like to share with you now.
1) Confirmation that Drake has been storing the entire city of Toronto in an offshore account
2) 100,000,000 gold bars in a Holiday Inn hotel room that belong to nobody in particular
3) A full reshoot of Furious 7 with Bill Clinton standing in for Paul Walker
4) A treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence
5) Weezer’s Songs From the Black Hole
6) Intel showing that Santa Claus is indeed real and a high-priority target for the Putin regime
7) Materials related to DJ Khaled's appointment as Panama’s prime minister sometime in 2009
8) Something about China and vague implications of competing industry, I don’t know
9) Grandpa Johnston’s lucky silver dollar
10) The exact coordinates of Vape Nation
11) That box of double-A batteries that you swore you bought but haven’t been able to track down so you went ahead and bought another box to cut your losses
12) Your invitation to Becky’s party—turns out it just got lost in the mail! Just like mom said!
13) “Smooth” by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas 14) The odd, vaguely comforting knowledge that the world is truly controlled by a small group of people and the chaos of day-to-day life is only an illusion
15) Utterly inflammatory and misleading information about bad things America might’ve definitely done
16) Evidence that Mic, BuzzFeed, the Daily Dot, and the Huffington Post are all in the pocket of Big Meme17) Oliver Stone just muttering "it's all connected" over and over to himself