U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who did not beat Michael Phelps in the 200 meter individual medley, is in hot water for filing a false robbery report with Rio police to cover up his drunken vandalism and fighting.
Lochte on Friday kinda-sorta apologized for the whole thing.But is it possible that in this lukewarm, boilerplate mea culpa, Lochte was concealing a secret message? Something so shocking that he could not bring himself to confess it directly? Something all but unthinkable? There you have it, folks: "I KILLED HARAMBE." You've read The Da Vinci Code; you know the cipher doesn't lie. Lochte murdered the great ape. It's bad enough that Lochte tarnished his country and the Olympics with gross disrespect toward a host city—but to find out he's also a gorilla assassin? That's just too much, man. Please let 2016 be over now.