Twitter humor is predictable. Even the weirdest crap can get formulaic—glitchy text nonsense, sexts, variations on “me irl” that link to shiba inu pictures (sorry)—so you gotta love it when someone steps in and reinvents the wheel.
Patton Oswalt, what are you doing?
whites and “darks” should be kept separate. Sorry if that sounds too “tree-huggy” to my conservative followers.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
No, really.
all abortion should be illegal, no exceptions. Just go ahead and UNFOLLOW me, you right wing hate-mongers.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
This is some kind of joke, right?
Let NAMBLA members fuck anyone they want. Am I so crazy for wanting my kid to grow up in a safer world?
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Neggers out of government? Yes, please! (Sorry for any misspelling)
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Oh, good. It is! Here’s what the tweets look like in context:
Why do right wing asshats want “Hollywood out of government”, but don’t want the Fred Thompsons or Arnold Schwarze
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Neggers out of government? Yes, please! (Sorry for any misspelling)
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
These idiots who deny that clumsy change is real, and a pressing threat are no different from misogynists who claim that
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Women enjoy rape. Grow the fuck up, all of you.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
You think ANYONE should be able to buy a gun for ANY reason, you idiot? Well, why don’t we just
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Let NAMBLA members fuck anyone they want. Am I so crazy for wanting my kid to grow up in a safer world?
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Oh, you think repealing voting laws in the south is justified, you racist asshole? I suppose you ALSO believe that
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Hitler was absolutely right about the Jews. And I don’t care how many “white power” redneck followers I lose by Tweeting that.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
When it comes to doing laundry, I firmly believe in using environment-friendly detergent and I ALSO believe
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
whites and “darks” should be kept separate. Sorry if that sounds too “tree-huggy” to my conservative followers.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Looks like a it worked on a few people:
I wish politics would stay out of twitter just for a bit. Unfollowing @pattonoswalt … Now
— Tanner Hodges (@TCHodges73) August 17, 2013
@pattonoswalt How is it racist to only want U.S. citizens to be able to vote for people who will represent U.S. citizens?
— Adam MacFeat (@AdamMacFeat) August 17, 2013
@pattonoswalt you’re a fucking dick
— Kyra McNiff (@hiimkyra) August 17, 2013
And it’s still going!
For you simpletons who see everything in “black” and “white”: if racism, misogyny, hatred and fear are BLACK, then
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
My grandchildren had better be WHITE. And I mean PURE WHITE, or we’re not going to have a country anymore. #tolerance
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
God’s greatest miracle? How about science? Penicillin? Gift from God. Polio vaccine? Gift from God. Even aspirin, Pepto-Bismol and ROL
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
AIDS is a gift from God. I don’t know why people are still so backward in their thinking about this.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Our country’s worth isn’t in how many billionaires we produce or countries we conquer. History will judge use solely on how we tr
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Eat the poor, disabled and hopeless. It’s the only way we can insure our future.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
And I’m sorry, but I fucking HATE FOX NEWS. Bunch of race-baiting corporate shills. All of their medieval, fact-free clapt
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Rap is performed by monkeys in expensive clothes. Sorry if I offended you, white conservatives, but it’s the truth.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
And then, without missing a step, he quit:
Gonna hop off Twitter for awhile. Enjoy the sunshine, breathe the air. Hope no one was offended. Cross my heart and hope to
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Die, all of you. Seriously. #peace
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013
Gotta exalt the trailblazers of what I did yesterday on Twitter: @NeilHamburger, @JimNorton & @iamcolinquinn. Follow ’em and learn.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 18, 2013
Well done, Oswalt, but now we’re gonna see these two-parters everywhere.
Photo via gageskidmore/Flickr