Photo via Joe Gratz/Flickr (Public Domain)
One is a Georgia inmate accused of causing another man's death in prison, and he wants to fire his public defender. The other is a county judge who delivers tough love—well, maybe not love, but a shitload of swears, anyway. When they get together, they'll produce the most explosively funny and profane court transcript of the year.
This summer: Denver Fenton Allen and The Hon. J. Bryant Durham in Court Advises Defendant Regarding Representation by Public Defender on Defendant's Oral Motion to Fire His Assigned Attorney. Don't miss it!"Oral motion" is appropriate on so many levels to describe what happened when Denver Allen petitioned a Georgia court to let him defend himself on charges of killing a fellow prisoner. Allen claimed his public defender had demanded oral sex in exchange for "doing a good job" on the case, a claim Judge Durham didn't find at all credible. Allen requested to represent himself, and Durham advised him that such a maneuver would be "the biggest mistake you've ever made in your life."
That's when things got really spicy—Allen decided to get himself held in contempt of court and told the judge to go fuck himself.Then the conversation circled back to theme of oral sex, and Allen attempted to introduce evidence of his "big old donkey dick." After a very sophisticated debate in which Allen asks for a court order to have the judge "suck my dick," and Judge Durham uses the word "dadgum" and won't stop yelling, we arrive at the apex of the argument. Look, this is as good as it gets. He called the judge a "fuckman."
Shockingly, that savage insult didn't convince the court to fire Allen's public defender. Allen was escorted from the courtroom after threatening to kill Judge Fuckman's family with a hammer, and will appear for trial Monday with the same attorney.
"Sorry," the judge told public defender James Wyatt, "You're stuck with him."
According to court records, Allen has a colorful history with the legal system, filing several lawsuits that were each dismissed for failure to state a claim. It's probably best that he's not representing himself.