I have a lot of insufferable friends constantly filling my Facebook news feed with annoying baby pictures, engagement humblebrags, and BuzzFeed listicles. It’s unavoidable and exhausting—a flood of irritating things more painful than reading that New York Times review about Guy Fieri’s restaurant.
Since my life revolves around Facebook, the panic attacks I suffer from my friend’s stupid updates happen frequently. No, that’s a terrible photo you ‘liked’ on Instagram, I’ve thought. And eww, you’re really bragging about voting for Go On in the People’s Choice Awards?
However, I need a good excuse to delete friends so I don’t look like more of an ass than usual, because appearances are everything.
I’m going to use Jimmy Kimmel as motivation. On Saturday, the ABC late-night host is celebrating his third annual National UnFriend Day, a judgement-free excuse to reassess the terrible people that you’ve collected from overnight camp, that part-time holiday job, and your high-school haters.
Referred to as “NUD” for short (or “the nuddening”), Kimmel explained that every Nov. 17, he bestows upon you the opportunity to apply a colonic to your Facebook friends list.
“Most people have between four and 30 friends in their life,” reasoned Kimmel. “Facebook friends can go into the thousands, and it’s time to get rid of them.”
I’ve created a checklist to help decide which friends you should snip from your list.
1) Do you dislike them?
If you go to that person’s profile and your initial reaction is unbridled rage, eye-scratching, and general vomit attack—all stemming from a feeling you can’t pinpoint—it’s time to unfriend them.
2) Are they an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend of yours?
That’s a dealbreaker. Sure, going through their photo albums and calling every picture “slutty” and “fat” might be therapeutic at first. But in the future, it’s not going to help get over them. While you’re at it, dump their family members too. You never liked them anyways.
3) When’s the last time you saw them?
I’ll give this one a two-year limit. But beyond that, you’re just filling your brain with mindless life updates, Spotify song playlists, and Word with Friends game posts from a person that you don’t even interact with.
4) Is it a pet?
Sorry dog (or whatever), but as much as I want to slap the shit out of your cuteness, this is not a meaningful Facebook friendship. What service are you providing me by “posting” your poop updates? A) I’m too busy tracking mine. B) You shouldn’t even be on Facebook, dog. Also, delete this pet owner’s profile from your list. You don’t need to deal with this person’s thirst for attention for a pet that’s going to die soon. Woof.
5) Have they tagged you in Facebook shoe spam?
Take a WALK, right guys!! Your friend’s profile has been hijacked by some street fresh spammers that are looking to make a shekel. If you’re stupid friend can’t keep his or her stupid password safe, how will you ever trust them with a secret?
6) Are they a fan of Applebee’s?
Delete them immediately. They should know that Ruby Tuesday rules the salad bar in the casual dining sector. Also, hi, unlimited fries at select locations, so bye.
Have a safe unfriending shabbos!
Illustration via Jason Reed