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The Hater: The election is making the Internet a worser place than Ikea on Saturday

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We love the Internet. Except when we hate it. Every week, Jordan Valinsky bottles the angst of his Millennial generation and finds something to despise about the Web.

Kill me now because I can’t take another two weeks of tweeting/blogging/GIFing on the election.

With the presidential elections nearing, I am starting to question if my mental sanity can handle anymore logging in to my Tumblr account, Twitter profile, and Facebook feed.

For example, Twitter! I only signed up for it to stalk Lindsay Lohan, but she ruined that with her perennially incognisant political tweets. Everyone’s favorite pair of Claire’s earrings is acting like she’s one of those Political Science undergrads who joined the debate team to prove how much they read the newspaper. So LiLo decided to live-tweet the debates on Monday night, making my life miserable.

“OMG it is HAPPENING!!!!!!!! The Final Debate!!!! I’m so nervous!,” she coughed, gagged, and then tweeted from her Birkin-encased laptop on Monday night. Yes, BB, it’s happening. You don’t need to remind us, since every other Twitter account has also screamed out that the debate is airing on 35 channels. Also, unlike some ladies we know, I don’t think Obama nor Romney are on the Adderall pills, Altoid mints, and Red Bull diet, so they’re not going to “collapse” from “exhaustion.”

Linds, can you go back to the days when you and I had so much in common? A love for daytime TV, talking shit about Dr. Phil, pretending Katie Couric is our therapist, and being the judgiest of judgey bitches about Amanda Bynes. Those were the days!

My problem with Twitter extends beyond poor Lindsay, though. Every weekday at 4PM, when the newest poll numbers are released, my feed freaks out in a manner similar to me that one time I saw Ryan Gosling in the living flesh. It’s a lot of indescribable, high-pitched screams, uncontrollable arm-flailings, and tears streaming down people’s faces.

The tide of overreaction that crashed down when Obama was trailing in the poll numbers has thankfully subsided just a bit. (It’s amusing how the words “surges” or “plunges” in tweets represent a miniscule digit increase.) Washington Post’s too-cool-for-school Chris Cillizza has it right that “Underreacting to polls is the new overreacting to polls.” You’re so chill, bro.

Fellow aspiring Bravolebrity and friend Calla Bonanno brought up another good point. What the hell did we tweet about prior to the election? The past month, I’ve blacked out and spinned into electionesia—I don’t have an answer to that. I’m think it was mostly Gosling gossip and something about being befuddled by Jews.

The election has also turned my once-peaceful Tumblr oasis into a moving sidewalk of flashing GIFs of presidential and pop culture mashups. Whenever I see one of those GIFs, I roll my eyes harder than, well, when I hear one of Romney’s geographically challenged geography lessons (BOOM! I read the newspaper, too, LINDSAY).

With Donald Trump trolling YouTube, Sarah Palin being the worst ever on Facebook, and Ann Coulter living up to a version of her last name, the Internet is a terrible place to be right now. I thought Ikea on a Saturday was bad: this is worse.

I’d rather choke on an order Swedish meatballs than deal with this.

Photo via Blogspot