So, there’ a fantastic Twitter account where a young woman transcribes everything she hears her boyfriend say in his sleep. As you might guess, it all amounts to dreamworld weirdness that, when read separately and devoid of any meaningful context, is pretty hilarious.
Your eyeballs smell like eyeballs
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) February 17, 2016
But what if we sequenced each tweet so it told an overarching story? Because, uh, that’s what we did. Yes, it’s just as strange as when the tweets weren’t in any particular order, but it definitely adds to the hilarity of it all (especially towards the end). We now give you, “Aw yisssssss mother f**king apples: a subconscious tale” by Sir Lord Dick Pat’s boyfriend.
Oh god. OH GOD. We've gotta get the chainsaw first.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 22, 2015
Did you cut off the leg?
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 7, 2015
OKAY! Okay…. okay.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 3, 2015
HEY. don't pee on it.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 3, 2015
Why is it doing that. Why is it cold. Get me a leg.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 28, 2015
PANTS.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) December 31, 2015
I performed a surgery.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 19, 2015
We have to get to the sewers… Turtles…
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 28, 2015
They have this sinkhole. It's pretty scary.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) December 9, 2015
It smells like fucking fish guts in here.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 19, 2015
GOD DAMNIT. not this again.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 19, 2015
I saw you with the apple.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) January 26, 2016
Whore.
No octopus you can't do that!!
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) October 19, 2015
Mmhmm.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 30, 2015
BULLET.
Aw yisssssss mother fucking apples
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) January 30, 2016
There's never enough nacho cheese.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) December 4, 2015
Like we said, it gets even more bizarre toward the end.
I'll take vanilla please.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) December 9, 2015
Your eyeballs smell like eyeballs
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) February 17, 2016
Him: What color is the diamond?
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) November 11, 2015
Me: What?
Him: WHAT COLOR IS IT
Me: idk, black??
Him: What are you, stupid?
I don't care, I'm getting tigers.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) January 8, 2016
What do you think—too soon to sell the movie rights?
H/T Someecards | Photo via David Goehring/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)