Reddit user NeverPunchALion answered the question “What’s the worst thing you did as a horny teen?” with an answer so horrifying that the tale is best told as Greek tragedy rather than the message board post it originally existed as. That said, here’s the post… if you want to avoid spoilers, don’t click on that link.
Redditpus Rex
Characters:
NEVERPUNCHALION: A cool guy who posts on Reddit.
MOTHER: Neverpunchalion’s mother.
CHORUS
Scene one:
CHORUS:
A Redditor who would never punch a lion
Was home alone and found himself trying
To satisfy a most extreme super horniness
But the Internet was down.
O gods above! What a mess!
NEVERPUNCHALION:
My male bathing area demands satisfaction
Quickly! Post haste!
But the Internet is the only path I know
To making my O-Face
That said— I’ve heard a tale of olden times
When pictures did suffice for self-gratification
But where would nudie pictures be?
In this home? My home? The home of my family?
Perhaps an attic shall I seek.
CHORUS:
Foolish boy, who laughed at fate
Climbed his ladder up from the floor and
Into the attic of destiny.
Soon he found himself face to face
With sepia-toned photos of lowest cut
bathing clothes.
O cruel fates!
NEVERPUNCHALION:
Those boobs! O! Those boobs!
Those boobs move me in ways erotic
But the face is troubling—
Forget that, the boobs are too hypnotic!
CHORUS:
My dear boy, pause!
NEVERPUNCHALION:
No! I am super horny.
CHORUS:
We speak for fate.
Consider this and hesitate.
NEVERPUNCHALION:
Nah, still super horny.
[Neverpunchalion pleasures himself]
NEVERPUNCHALION:
Damn, still super horny.
CHORUS:
Don’t, man, come on.
NEVERPUNCHALION:
Still gonna do it.
[Neverpunchalion pleasures himself again, passes out in his attic]
Scene two:
CHORUS:
O shame. Great shame! Greatest shame!
Great shame upon a great family name!
You have no idea what you’ve wrought
And now your family’s now back home
with a cat they bought
MOTHER:
Neverpunch a lion, dear,
my glorious son—
What are these photos lying here?
What ever have you done?
NEVERPUNCHALION:
I wasn’t pleasuring myself mother!
If you think I was, it was my brother!
MOTHER:
What?
CHORUS:
Say nothing, Never Punch!
NEVERPUNCHALION:
Nothing.
CHORUS:
Good boy.
If only we could protect you
From the information to come.
MOTHER:
I was talking about these family photo albums
Look at them with me.
That’s your grandmother with the boobs
that hang pendulously
NEVERPUNCHALION:
[aside]
Aaaiiii, aaaiii . . . Alas! Alas!
How miserable I am… such wretchedness…
I pleasured myself to the image
Of my mother’s mother who birthed
my mother who then birthed me!
Where do I go? How can the wings of air
sweep up my voice?
O my destiny,
how far you have sprung now!
[to Mother]
Cool, cool. I say that’s cool.
CHORUS:
But it was not cool.
And Neverpunch
did never tell this horrifying story.
A cursed secret like this one
Must be kept under tightest of wraps.
Until some guy posted something on Reddit.
Then he said the whole thing immediately.
Is there a moral?
Yes.
Don’t buy cats.
Adopt cats.
[end of play]
Photo via Klovovi/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)