This story contains sexually explicit material that may be NSFW. 

Depending on your perspective, Pornhub comments reflect either the best or worst of humanity. But one thing they are not is particularly literary, as indicated by this Pornhub Insights post on the 25 most popular words in the website’s comments sections, which reflect, shall we say, a rather tenuous grasp on the English language.

According to the post, the 25 most popular words in Pornhub comments are either slang terms for male or female genitalia (“cock,” “pussy,” “dick,” “ass”), or fairly non-descriptive adjectives (“nice,” “wow,” “great,” “good”). There are only three verbs on the list, “love,” “fuck,” and “want,” flying in the face of your English teacher’s admonition to pepper your prose with vivid action verbs.


But how would an English teacher assess Pornhub comments? To find out, we culled some comments from the Tumblr Pornhub Comments on Stock Photos that contain one or a few of the above listed words. We then asked Cathy Dash, my best friend and an ESL teacher in New York City, to grade them the way she would her students.


 

1) "He fuck that ass so good" and "his cock engraved" are not conjugated in the same verb tense. I would use the past simple for the former verb and the present perfect for the latter, so "he fucked that ass so [well that] his cock has engraved..."

Grade: C+
 


2) Run-on sentence! If you want to connect multiple sentences with multiple subjects, at least use semicolons. However, there is good use of parallel structure here.

Grade: B
 


3) "Of" not "off." Also, you only need one comma in the first line. "Levels of cum amounts" is redundant.

Grade: D
 


4) The third person singular is conjugated with an "s." Use a semicolon after "nice." You also need a subject before "so hot." IT IS so hot...  

Grade: C-
 


5) Remember, use a verb before a subject when asking questions! "Why DID HE slap?" Also, the passive voice still requires a subject: "IT WAS so very sad."

Grade: C+
 


6) Beautiful.

Grade: A

H/T Pornhub Insights | Photo by audio-luci-store.it/Flickr