Warning: The following story contains sexually explicit material that is not suitable for work.

When PornMD came out with their live feed of real-time porn searches a few days ago, some people thought it offered us a tantalizing glimpse into the spectrum of human desire, providing us with another tile to place in the complex mosaic that is human sexuality. Most people just thought it was funny to see different variations on the word “vagina.” Either way, we all had a blast scrolling down.


 

But what if the PornMD live feed is actually more reflective of our hopes and dreams as a nation than we might think? What if the various search terms—"she mail sex," "fetish horse cock," and “huge load in mouth," to name a few—aren’t just portals into our sexual desires, but into our socio-cultural psyche at large, or even—wait for it—ourselves?

While we would never want to denigrate or invalidate someone’s sexual desires, we’ve compiled a list of the five best and worst search terms on the Porn MD live feed, the things that make you go “ha!” to the ones that make you go “ah” to the ones that make you go “awwwwww.” (Just kidding, none of them do that. These are free porn tube sites, not Upworthy.) From “huge mushroom dick head” to “japanese tall woman” to “big ass solo dance,” here’s humanity at its best and most ridiculous—and at its worst.

Top 5 Best PornMD Search Terms

1) seks

You’d think that if you’re 18 and old enough to surf porn sites, then you’re probably well past that stage in your education where you learned how to spell the word “sex.” Apparently, however, this is not the case. Same goes for “big cok in ass,” “turkish fuk,” and weirdly enough, “pensil” (don’t ask what that term brings up).

2) Bob Leponge

You probably assumed Bob Leponge was the name of a male porn star, right? Maybe a Belgian guy in his mid-to-late 40s with a slight combover and a gold cross necklace and a predilection for making squawking, goose-like noises during intercourse? Wrong! A quick Google search determined that “Bob Leponge” was not a beloved Walloon adult film legend but actually the French name for Spongebob Squarepants.

Those French think they’re so schmancy with their wines and museums and cheeses, but they’re actually going home and jerking it to an American children’s cartoon character. Vive les Etats-Unis

3) must not fap

Then what are you doing on a tube site, friend-o?

4) cottages

Now, I’m a pretty Internet porn-savvy person (after all, my job is to write about it). Aside from the fake fetishes on Urban Dictionary that no one has ever done in real life and were clearly invented by bored seventh-graders, I like to think I have a passing familiarity with most of the fetishes out there, and I love each and every one like they’re my own children. So when I saw “cottages,” I naturally assumed it was not in reference to candle-lit erotica in a rustic woodland setting. It was probably some perverse, barely legal fetish that even I had never of before, perhaps involving an economy-sized tub of Daisy brand and Hansel and Gretel cosplay.

As it turns out, I was totally wrong. People are actually searching for candle-lit erotica in a rustic woodland setting. Romance isn't dead, guys! It's just moved to the tube sites.

5) great tits

Proof that no matter how sophisticated our current technology, some guys’ tastes will always remain the same. “Great tits” is the Calvin Klein of search terms: simple, bold, and classic.

Top 5 Worst PornMD Search Terms

1) Mosquitosonpussymosquitos

Apparently, there is a whole cottage industry of amateur porners attracting mosquitos to their genitalia, so they can itch and swell up on camera. No judgment whatsoever, but that sounds like an infection followed by an incredibly embarrassing trip to the GP waiting to happen.

2) wild boars fucking women

Yeah, something tells me that’s most likely not gonna be consensual.

3) Stepdad cums inside daughters

A huge percentage of the search terms on the PornMD live feed are incest-related, if not explicitly incest-themed like the one cited above (see: “daughter masturbating,” “mother’s frustration stepson,” and the oddly specific “crazy german mom spurting”). While I usually have no objection to the usage of incest or rape-related themes in pornography (research shows that such material provides an outlet for potential offenders, so they’re less likely to commit sex crimes IRL), some of these are so oddly specific that you kinda want to reach through your computer and give them the number of a good psychiatrist.

4) Ghetto gaggers

It’s a well-established fact that the racial politics of the adult industry, however progressive it might be in other areas, are pretty backwards: Female performers of color still make less money than their Caucasian peers, and many rising white female starlets are cautioned against performing in interracial scenes, on the grounds that it’s career suicide.

But Ghettogaggers.com, a site that depicts white “cracker” males debasing women of color in various creative ways, takes the regressive racial politics of the adult industry one step further. “Her black ass got fucked so hard it was open like a door to a crackhouse,” one scene description reads. Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

5) men testicles scalpel castration

Oh, honey. Honey... no.

H/T PornMD | Photo by plantronicsgermany/Flickr (CC BY - ND 2.0)