The first trailer for Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot is here, and it looks like Michael Bay has descended straight through the self parody zone and out the other side.

The turtles are an Uncanny Valley nightmare, guaranteed to terrify the movie’s supposed target audience of children. Megan Fox spends most of her screentime pouting and looking confused, before fainting into the arms of one of those weirdly photo-realistic CGI turtles.

Strangest of all, Michael Bay seems to be under the impression that he was hired to make pizza-eating cartoon turtles look as gritty as as the Dark Knight trilogy. The trailer comes complete with machine gun-wielding criminals, a dramatic monologue about urban crime, and the inevitable Michael Bay explosions and toppling buildings.

Right now the #NinjaTurtles hashtag is lighting up with people lamenting how terrible the movie looks, and how the turtles look like the goombas from the 1993 Super Mario Bros movie. But really, the joke’s on us. This movie is going to make a zillion dollars, half of which will come from smug 20-somethings who buy a ticket in order to make fun of it while drunk.


Screencap via Colider