Websites. So many to hate!

That’s the best thing about Lady Gaga’s new social network, Little Monsters: It rolls up everything I hate about all the Web’s worst websites into one execrable package. So efficient!

But back to my hate list for a second.  For starters, there’s Pinterest. There’s only so many modern, sleek-looking living rooms repurposed from the Crate and Barrel catalog that I can pin. “Look at those clean lines,” I post, as if I could ever afford that $2,000 Cameron Queen Sleeper Sofa. I can’t even buy an iPhone. (Shut up. That monthly fee is so high!)  If I can’t own it, might as well pin it, right?

Reddit. I can’t hang with Reddit. I want to, because then Kevin Morris will stop making fun of me in Campfire. I just don’t know what’s going on over there with all those sections, pictures, and small fonts. Hello, already need glasses and not even old. Reddit takes me back to my parents’ basement with the monochromatic color scheme and the lack of anyone willing to clean up the place.

And on and on. But thanks to a slideshow on Mashable (words are hard!), I discovered that I no longer had to bounce from site to site to summon up some bile. Finally, a website that I hate so much that it makes me nostalgic for the cancellation call I placed for AOL’s dialup service.

Start with the name: Little Monsters. I will be convulsing in the glitter-filled bathtub if you need me. 

Yep, the living, breathing, part-deli case, part-Harajuku doll has a social network dedicated to herself.

Preteens—that rising generation that already makes Millennials like me feel decrepit and achey—need, need a new website to show off their crappy makeup techniques, weird otaku posters they found on Xanga, and some thoroughly fake gesture of Lady Gaga’s virtual approval.

No, really, monsterettes, Gaga couldn’t care less about you. She’s super busy pretending she cares about the gays as it is!

Hate is an emotion curiously close to love. So I have some grudging admiration for how Little Monsters takes everything I despise about Pinterest and marries it to the sunless night we call Reddit.

Gaga is original mainly in her shameless imitation. So no surprise that she aped Pinterest’s grid and Reddit’s upvotes. I kind of envision her crawling out of her egg, hissing at her developers to copy whatever websites they had up on their screens, and then hovering over them, frozen in that ridiculous claw gesture.

Oh, and you can get an @littlemonsters.com email address. Yeah, put that sucker on your LinkedIn profile and see how many job offers you get.

Welcome to the unnecessary website drawer in my browser, Gaga. I would tell you to introduce yourself to others, but it seems like you’ve met. Paws up, bitches!

Photo by Amalia Adina