moar jepsen

The Hater: 4 fall trends you should be scared of

Shares

We love the Internet. Except when we hate it. Every week, Jordan Valinsky bottles the angst of his Millennial generation and finds something to despise about the Web.

As the seasons turn from iced coffee to pumpkin spice latte, it’s time to act accordingly and adjust your wardrobe—and, more importantly, your bookmarks.

It’s essential to update your Internet-thirsty brainpan with the latest memes, trends, and pop stars propped up by YouTube. I get it: Letting go of your favorite things is hard to do, but the 1,000th spin of “Call Me Maybe” was probably enough.

Let me share a story with you of how I have personally dealt with the realization that I need to retire some trends. It took me entirely way too long to cut stop wearing long-sleeved knit tops under my collared shirts because I thought it was a smart and practical way to keep warm during those chilly Ohio nights.

It was not. I just looked like a tool, especially with that head-tilt and misplaced PBR beer can. Who let me out of my dorm? Why wasn’t Bud Light Lime around then? How was I ever admitted into college?

When my university was threatening to get rid of trays in the dining hall to cut down food waste, I’m pretty sure they just showed that picture in meetings and said “THIS.” (Also, stripes are not slimming and are providing the exact opposite effect of what they thought I did.)

Anyway, now that I you know about my Jessica Simpson phase (see, topical!) during my sophomore year of college, it’s time for you to admit that you are indulging some pretty terrible trends.

Here are the four new trends that you will be faced with, whether you like it or not:

OUT: “Call Me Maybe”
IN: “This Kiss”

I realize that “Call Me Maybe” was a gift from the brightly bedazzled pop music gods, delivered during a time when Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj’s so-called outrageous shticks were becoming boring. But it’s time to let the song go.

“Call Me Maybe,” and whatever dumb jokes you have relating to a person calling you, need to stop. It was the song of the summer for a reason: So we don’t have to listen to it past Sept. 22.

However, that doesn’t mean Carly Rae Jepsen is over. Her reign will continue into the fall, but instead she’ll probably be wearing a cardigan while she continues to charm us. Our favorite Canadian body pillow has given us not only a new song called “This Kiss,” but soon, a new, much-anticipated album.

OUT: “Call Me Maybe” parody videos
IN: “Gangnam Style” parody videos

Ugh, this trend is terrible already, but I am guess I’m just going to have to deal. We saw everyone from the Harvard baseball team to Miss USA contestants create their own stupid “Call Me Maybe” parody videos over the spring and summer.

Now have to relive that nightmare again, but with instead with a terrible K-Pop song that lost its novelty after the first lesson. It was painful enough to watch Britney Spears whip her old arms around in a manner she hasn’t done since demanding an electric razor for her head.

Now obnoxious college students, fired lifeguards, and Nelly freakin’ Furtado have also produced insufferable reproductions of the song. This is going to be a long fall of being forced to watch and write about celebrities and boring regular people creating their own renditions.

OUT: GIFs of the Olympics
IN: GIFs of the the Royals

We can all debate the bullshit merits of when exactly the GIFs became a “player” in the “Internet arena,” but it was during the Olympics. So stop your think pieces before they clutter up my Twitter feed.

I enjoyed GIFs during the London 2012 Summer Olympics. They proved to be a clever way to watch a sporting event and circumvent NBC’s diabolical tape-delay process (at least until the International Olympics Committee got wind of it). Also, there were no cats at the Olympics, so yay.

Now that the London Games, and thus my will to live, are now over, we need to find a new place for GIFs while still maintaining that regal, royal flare. Enter your new favorite Tumblr: Delightfully Royal. It lives up to its name as its a delightful stream of pictures, news, and, most importantly, GIFs of whatever pointless things Kate Middleton and Not Harry do.

OUT: Katie Couric’s couch
IN: Reddit AMAs

Katie Couric’s new talk show was heralded as the country’s next public square, but it looks like Reddit’s question and answer section beat her to it. Obviously trying to replicate the success of Oprah’s previous talk show (although she won’t admit it), Couric probably thought in her mind that her star appeal, news chops, and name were going to set the cultural agenda. Granted, it’s only three days into the show, but her guests haven’t shown us much promise.

Reddit’s AMA (Ask Me Anything) subreddit is really America’s new couch. It’s attracted a roster of answerers, from the famous to the not-so-famous. The people-powered section is worth a read no matter how stupid you think Reddit is.

There is no built-in soccer mom demographic appeal when risking taking questions from “JewsdidNine11,” but with the younger generation soon to be in charge, maybe it’s the Reddit AMA section that will soon be telling us what our new favorite things should be.

Photo via Dance Photographer/Flickr