The Golden Globes are today, and that means that awards season is officially upon us! While the rest of America is suffering from arctic temperature drops, Los Angeles is being heated by thousands of kilowatts of solar energy being exuded by the gargantuan fake smiles plastered across the faces of anyone currently campaigning for a gilded statue.

While your recluse friends who have seen Nebraska three times already thank you very much made their winning prognostications well before nominees were even announced, it’s okay if this season’s golden age of television was so overwhelming you fell behind (we won’t tell anyone the real reason: you watched Thor on Netflix upwards of 23 times in one month). Whether you’re a person who loves TV and just hasn’t seen any, or one of the insufferable sorts who is too high-brow to pretend a marathon of Bar Rescue won’t suck you in, we have your ballots covered (along with a full list of nominees below). You may not be the most correct person at your Golden Globes party, but you will be by far the most interesting.

The Guy Who Pretends To Only Watch Arthouse Cinema, But Still Hasn’t Seen Blue Is The Warmest Color

You know this guy. He is the worst. He probably just got promoted out of the assistant ranks at an indie feature film company, and is convinced that because he read a PDF copy of Dave Egger’s latest a full week before it was released on Amazon, he is intellectually avant garde. (Spoiler alert: he’s not.)

Best Motion Picture, Drama: Philomena

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Inside Llewyn Davis

Best Director: Alexander Payne (Nebraska)

Best Actor, Drama: Robert Redford (All Is Lost)

Best Actress, Drama: Judi Dench (Philomena)

Best Actor, Comedy/Musical: Bruce Dern (Nebraska)

Best Actress, Comedy/Musical: Greta Gerwig (Frances Ha)

Best Supporting Actor: Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips)

Best Supporting Actress: June Squibb (Nebraska)

Best TV Drama: Breaking Bad

Best TV Comedy: Parks & Recreation

Best TV Miniseries or Movie: Top Of The Lake

Best Actor, TV Comedy: Jason Bateman (Arrested Development)

Best Actress, TV Comedy: Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)

Best Actor, TV Drama: Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)

Best Actress, TV Drama: Tatiana Maslany (Orphan Black)

Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Elisabeth Moss (Top of the Lake)

Best Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Chiwetel Ejiofor (Dancing on the Edge
)

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Jacqueline Bisset (Dancing on the Edge
)

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Corey Stoll (House of Cards
)

 

The Girl Who Never Saw A Documentary Before Blackfish, And Is Now Obsessed With Social Justice

While you admire her ex post facto pluck, her zeal to save the world is seriously interfering with your ability to order in a side of sea urchin with your spicy tuna delivery. Don’t worry, much like January gym resolutions, she’ll give up her crusading when the last of the trophies are handed out this season.

Best Motion Picture, Drama: 12 Years A Slave

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Her

Best Director: Steve McQueen (12 Years A Slave)

Best Actor, Drama: Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years A Slave)

Best Actress, Drama: Sandra Bullock (Gravity)

Best Actor, Comedy/Musical: Joaquin Phoenix (Her)

Best Actress, Comedy/Musical: Julie Delpy (Before Midnight)

Best Supporting Actor: Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips)

Best Supporting Actress: Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years A Slave)

Best TV Drama: Downton Abbey

Best TV Comedy: Girls

Best TV Miniseries or Movie: Behind The Candleabra

Best Actor, TV Comedy: Michael J. Fox (The Michael J. Fox Show)

Best Actress, TV Comedy: Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Veep)

Best Actor, TV Drama: Kevin Spacey (House Of Cards)

Best Actress, TV Drama: Taylor Schilling (Orange Is The New Black)

Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Helena Bonham Carter (Burton and Taylor)

Best Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Chiwetel Ejiofor (Dancing On The Edge)

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Jacqueline Bisset (Dancing on the Edge)

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Corey Stoll (House of Cards)

 

The Guy Who Just Showed Up To See Amy Poehler And Tina Fey Look Hot, But Stayed For the Booze

He also probably really liked Seth Macfarlane’s Oscar tune “We Saw Your Boobs.”

Best Motion Picture, Drama: Rush

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Wolf of Wall Street

Best Director: David O. Russell, American Hustle

Best Actor, Drama: Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)

Best Actress, Drama: Sandra Bullock (Gravity)

Best Actor, Comedy/Musical: Leonardo DiCaprio (Wolf of Wall Street)

Best Actress, Comedy/Musical: Amy Adams (American Hustle)

Best Supporting Actor: Bradley Cooper (American Hustle)

Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)

Best TV Drama
: Masters of Sex


Best TV Comedy
: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best TV Miniseries or Movie: American Horror Story: Coven

Best Actor, TV Series Comedy: Don Cheadle (House of Lies)

Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy: Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)

Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama
: Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad
)

Best Actress in a TV Drama
: Kerry Washington (Scandal
)

Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Rebecca Ferguson (White Queen
)

Best Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Idris Elba (Luther)

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad
)

 

The Girl  Who Actually Did Watch Thor 23 Times In One Month

She’s unashamed of the fact that her taste in movies and television lines up perfectly with the viewing sensibilities of teenagers who also swear by Ryan Seacrest’s Top 40 countdown. If it works for most of Middle America, it must be good, right?

Best Motion Picture, Drama: Rush

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Her

Best Director: Alfonso Cuarón (Gravity)

Best Actor, Drama: Tom Hanks (Captain Phillips)

Best Actress, Drama: Sandra Bullock (Gravity)

Best Actor, Comedy/Musical: Leonardo DiCaprio (Wolf of Wall Street)

Best Actress, Comedy/Musical: Meryl Streep (August: Osage County)

Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)

Best Supporting Actress: Julia Roberts (August: Osage County)

Best TV Drama
: House of Cards

Best TV Comedy
: The Big Bang Theory


Best TV Miniseries or Movie: Behind the Candelabra

Best Actor, TV Series Comedy: Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy: Zooey Deschanel (New Girl)

Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama
: James Spader (The Blacklist)

Best Actress in a TV Drama
: Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)

Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Helen Mirren (Phil Spector)

Best Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Michael Douglas (Behind the Candelabra)

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Hayden Panettiere (Nashville)

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Josh Charles (The Good Wife)

 

Full List of Golden Globes Nominees, 2014:

Best Motion Picture, Drama: 12 Years a Slave / Gravity / Philomena / Rush / Captain Phillips

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Her / Inside Llewyn Davis / Nebraska / Wolf of Wall Street / American Hustle

Best Director: Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity / Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips / Steve McQueen, 12 Years A Slave / Alexander Payne, Nebraska / David O. Russell, American Hustle

Best Actor, Drama: Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years A Slave / Idris Elba, Mandela / Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips / Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club / Robert Redford, All Is Lost

Best Actress, Drama: Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine / Sandra Bullock, Gravity / Judi Dench, Philomena / Emma Thompson, Saving Mr. Banks / Kate Winslet, Labor Day

Best Actor, Comedy/Musical: Christian Bale, American Hustle / Bruce Dern, Nebraska / Leonardo DiCaprio, Wolf of Wall Street / Oscar Isaac, Inside Llewyn Davis / Joaquin Phoenix, Her

Best Actress, Comedy/Musical: Amy Adams, American Hustle / Julie Delpy, Before Midnight Greta Gerwig, Frances Ha / Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Enough Said / Meryl Streep, August: Osage County

Best Supporting Actor: Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips / Daniel Bruhl, Rush / Bradley Cooper, American Hustle / Michael Fassbender, 12 Years A Slave / Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

Best Supporting Actress: Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine / Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle / Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years A Slave / Julia Roberts, August: Osage County / June Squibb, Nebraska

Best TV Drama
: Breaking Bad
 / Downton Abbey
 / The Good Wife
 / Masters of Sex
 / House of Cards

Best TV Comedy
: The Big Bang Theory
 / Brooklyn Nine-Nine / 
Girls
 / Modern Family / 
Parks and Recreation

Best TV Miniseries or Movie: American Horror Story: Coven / Behind the Candelabra / Dancing on the Edge / Top of the Lake / White Queen

Best Actor, TV Series Comedy: Jason Bateman, Arrested Development / Don Cheadle, House of Lies / Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show / Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory / Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy: Zooey Deschanel, New Girl / Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie / Lena Dunham, Girls / Julia Louis Dreyfus, Veep / Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama
: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
 / Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
 / Michael Sheen, Masters of Sex
 / Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
 / James Spader, The Blacklist

Best Actress in a TV Drama
: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife 
/ Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black 
/ Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black 
/ Kerry Washington, Scandal
 / Robin Wright, House of Cards

Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor
 / Rebecca Ferguson, White Queen
 / Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven
 / Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
 / Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake

Best Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie
: Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
 / Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
 / Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing on the Edge
 / Idris Elba, Luther
 / Al Pacino, Phil Spector

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge
 / Janet McTeer, White Queen
 / Hayden Panettiere, Nashville
 / Monica Potter, Parenthood
 / Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
: Josh Charles, The Good Wife
 / Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra
 / Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
 / Corey Stoll, House of Cards
 / Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Photo via BoiseWeekly