5 fake NBA Twitter feeds worth following
For many NBA enthusiasts, Twitter has become as big a part of the sports-watching experience as Craig Sager’s suits.
While there will never be a replacement for the awkward, stream-of-consciousness musings of Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, and other TV analysts, the level of wit and insight put forth by their respective parody accounts and tweeters has made the early 21st century a great time to be a sports fan.
But why stop at journalists, ex-ballplayers and other so-called “experts”? There are also countless accounts that highlight the absurdities of the game and its players.
With the NBA playoffs in full effect, and many of our favorite teams having already packed it up for the season (mine included; oh hey, Cleveland) here are five NBA parody accounts to get you through to the Finals:
The reeling Knicks could certainly use the real Walt Frazier right about now. The point guard helped lead New York to its only two championships in 1970 and 1973. To younger generations, however, Frazier will always be remembered as the friendly rhyming spokesman for “Just For Men” hair color, a fact @NotWaltFrazier reminds us of nearly everyday.
Essential tweet: “Once again, Woodson's goatee is the only Knick to truly step up. Perfect coverin' and next level hoverin'! #JustForMen”
Chris Bosh takes a lot of punishment from NBA fans, mostly for looking like a dinosaur, forgetting to rebound, and for the occasional GIF bomb. Take into account the fact that many consider him to be the third wheel to LeBron James’ and Dwyane Wade’s scoring circus, and you’ve got the makings of a sad, left-out emo kid.
Now, there’s no real reason to think Bosh is anything but a lovely individual, satisfied multi-millionaire (with a newborn!). But because he often struggles for legitimacy and respect in the eyes of the public, it’s fun to imagine him hunched over his computer, listening to Rites of Spring, and telling Twitter his location is “IN A GLASS HOUSE OF EMOTION.”
Essential tweet: “Don't complain about rainy days. It downpours in my world everyday. Cloudy with a chance of tears... help me, I'm drowning.”
But you already knew this one. The gold standard of parody accounts, @NotBillWalton has been featured at ESPN.com and, oh look, the Daily Dot. While the feed certainly takes the far-out observations of Hall of Fame basketball player Bill Walton to the extreme at times, it’s frighteningly close to what a real Bill Walton account might look like. It was even enough to earn it a National Lampoon Twitter Award for Best Fake Feed, which sounds made-up too, but isn’t.
Essential tweet: “Carmelo Anthony just made a move I've only heard was possible from a spiritual yogi I met while hiking the Kalalau Trail in Hawaii.”
When New York added superstars Amar’e Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony to its roster, it was supposed to bring about a new era for the Knicks (or at the very least a playoff win, something the franchise hasn’t had in 11 years). So with the Knicks down 0-2 to the Miami Heat after two double-digit losses, and New York suddenly facing another year without a playoff win, it’s no wonder Amar’e let his anger get the best of him. Following Game 2, he punched a glass fire extinguisher case in a move that left him with an injured hand and a spot on the disabled list for what could be the remainder of the Knicks’ short-lived playoff run.
Now, to add insult to injury, a Twitter account representing the fire extinguisher has emerged to take swipes at the Knicks’ playoff woes (and correct Amar’e’s spelling).
Essential tweet: This too shall pass. Unlike Melo. RT @Amareisreal We all have done thing out of anger that we regret. Sorry guys. This to shall pass.
@LeBronJamesEgo has been dormant for almost a year, but it’s one of those classic fake Twitter feeds like @MayorEmanuel that still resonates long after the tweets have gone cold. Unlike some of my Ohio-born compatriots, I don’t hate LeBron James. Watching him play is still one of the greatest joys in basketball, even if I no longer like the colors on his jersey. Nevertheless, anyone capable of orchestrating a phenomenal display of dickishness like “The Decision” deserves a Twitter feed devoted to his ego.
Essential tweet: I BELIEVE OBAMA IS AMERICAN BUT I STILL DON'T BELIEVE HOW NICE MY SMOOTHIES ARE. WHY MUST I BE THE SMOOTHIE KING? MY GIFT & MY CURSE.
This isn’t really a parody. Instead, it appropriates the “Condescending Wonka” meme (in which Willy Wonka makes patronizing and sarcastic remarks) and applies it to the world of sports.
Essential tweet: “Oh, you're a Nets fan now because they moved to Brooklyn? Wow, I'm impressed by your street cred.”
Photo via @NotWaltFrazier