Amazon is the world’s largest online marketplace, but if you assumed that the site has something for everyone, you were sorely mistaken. As it turns out, Amazon doesn’t have anything for cocaine addicts. Not a single thing.
In fact, Amazon’s various sellers are so strictly opposed to the idea that you might do cocaine that many have taken the admirable step of noting it in their product descriptions. Here are a few of the most popular Amazon products that are absolutely, definitely not intended to be used for any type of illegal, white, powdery substance.
1. Small Glass Vial with SpoonSure, the seller notes that this little kit "can be used in [a] lab for chemicals or powders," but we all know this is definitely not for doing cocaine at all. The description makes it very clear that this is to be used only for tobacco, and since finely ground snuff tobacco is so insanely popular these days, that's absolutely why these are being sold.
2. Glass Vial with Golden SpoonA classier version of a definitely-not-for-cocaine vial and matching spoon. Still not intended for anything remotely illegal.
3. Double Barrel Nasal SnifferThis little beauty comes with an interesting disclaimer that warns that it is designed only for "energy powder." You know what energy powder is? Not cocaine, that's for sure.
4. Permanent Marker Stash SafeNow this is a very interesting item indeed. It's a glass vial and "nasal straw" that hides inside a fake marker. The seller claims, once again, that it is to be used only with tobacco, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Obviously you'd need to hide something that is perfectly legal and definitely not cocaine.
5. Nasal VacuumIt may not be a Hoover, but this shiny "nasal straw" boasts "easy snorting," which will absolutely make your next party a whole lot of fun. Unless you're doing something illegal, because that's not what this is for.
6. Deluxe Snorting Kit - Not For CocaineThis kit—which includes a mirror, razor blade, vial, spatula/spoon tool, and straw—is clearly not designed for cocaine. We know this for sure, because the seller actually put "Not For Cocaine" in the product name. That makes it pretty clear, but if you need any further proof, you can just head down to the reviews section, where people who don't ever use cocaine explain why they bought the item.
See? This gentleman bought it for its festive theme:
This person bought it to stop snooping cops from assuming that he was a drug addict, which can be a real pain for someone who doesn't use cocaine but wants a snorting kit anyway:
And this guy bought it for...for...OK, this guy might actually be using it for cocaine:Buyer beware!
Update 9:00am CT, Jan.25: Amazon appears to have removed the listings for the six products showcased above. We've reach out for comment and will report back as soon as we receive an explanation.
Photo via andronicusmax/Flickr (CC BY 2.0) | Illustration via Max Fleishman